The only place to read personal recounts of our resident vampire.

[X] Navigations are below

I'll have a glass of self-esteem, please... Monday, April 17, 2006

Change. Its inevitable. You can welcome it. Fear it. Hate it. Even try to avoid it. But it always knocks on your door. Sometimes you may not hear it, other times it blows your eardrums.

I started this very loveable, naive boy in kindergarten who loved to sing and the whole school knew about it. I was really knowledgeable for my age... aboust animals only of course... cause when i kissed that girl in nursery, she cried. I was very social, outspoken, even once my aunt got called up by another parent cause i was threatening her son or something. Imagine me, a bully. Wahaha.

Then i was this talkative, innocent child in primary school. My bug-catching regime was in full force. Like in primary one, i dragged my p5 'buddy' all around the field during recess. And in p4 when i caught my 1st tarantula in the science garden. Or that time when everyone was running away from a bronzeback at the fence, i was running towards it. I was known almost throughout the school for it. I was never good or interested in sports. Like when there was soccer during p.e, i and jeremy would just talk beside the goalpost... even if he was from another team... but i did save one or 2 goals... while not meaning to of course. I was a ball magnet. Then from being a bully in kindergarten, to being bullied in p5 and p6. I started being bad at math. I once banged my head on a microphone on stage over and over, way too melodramatic if you ask me, cause i forgot my lines. Storytelling competition. I somehow entered the next year again(yeah... i'm a bimbo) but won. I started sneaking off to that secluded forested place across the road from school, my new hideout and bug-catching heaven. My two best friends would follow me there sometimes, even though jeremy got bitten way too much by mosquitoes, and was kinda scared of bugs. And i usually picked on omar. Maybe thats why i havent kept in touch with him. But he himself has changed, went to normal... mixed around with rowdy people. And jeremy doesnt cry like he used too. I was in this school play, as this vain red bird, and we even performed in front of the then prime minister, goh chok tong. I was kinda good at studies i guess, topped my class in psle.

Then into sec school. I hoped that i could start over, you know, not get teased and bullied again. Unfortunately, it happened. And since i was older, more aware of my surroundings, it hit me a lot harder. I was almost made the decision to change school in sec two, untill ms chua talked me out of it. I made two new best friends. Although one sorta, well, lets say we arent at all close now. We never got into a rifting fight or watever, he just drifted off. But well, you could say i would never have made it through sec school, and still remained sane, if it werent for sy. He was like my counselor or something. Giving me advice and encouragement and stuff. Of course we did fight. Like a few times that lasted at most a few days. But after a rather long one at the start of sec 3, we just didnt have those anymore. I guess we matured thats all. And yes we both changed a lot in those 4 years. I actually played soccer sometimes. Making some saves that made me feel kinda proud... the rookie that i am. Of course i once got rammed in the face, accidentally of course, and boy did it hurt. I hated orientation camp but loved the sec 3 camp. Joined the art club, became the chairman of debate club, got top 17th speaker in sg in 2004, but because of some screwup of the old teacher in charge, my trophies are missing.

Continued to sing a lot. Won the school talent show like 3 years in a row. Although i did really badly last year. I feel miserable every time i watch that video. Anyways i grew slightly less insecure, a lot taller and way much vainer and materialistic. I took on another obsession, handphones, in sec 3. Although i did have some pretty neat animals, two snakes, some lizards, a scorpion, some birds(bought, not caught). My studies seemed to get worse... esp in sec 3. I felt like i was totally useless, at least before i could hold on to my academics. Even my eng was slipping. Then i reclaimed my english cause my essays were getting good. sec Sec four was a good year. I felt really comfortable, besides the huge workload and exams of course. But i mean i felt, however minutely, accepted.


my class at grad dinner


Sec 3 art class

And now i'm going on to something completely different. And i cant help but worry. About what? Well, i'm not sure i can cope with the workload. I don wanna be one of those who become delinquent-ish in poly. And also i'm scared of the people. Like how they're gonna see me. There is no way i wanna get ratted on again. I wanna be cool. I don wanna be the one sucking up to other people. I don wanna be the one who gets stepped on. Today i found out that the orientation has an overnight camp. Besides the fact that people are gonna see my hair undone(trust me, it looks fugly if it isnt blow-dried or flat ironed or hairsprayed. I'm gonna have to settle for a bottle of loreal water-o, so i can just sleek it back), I feel vunerable, like the camp will bring out stuff in me i'm not ready to show yet. I guess thats the purpose rite... ice breaking. But still, i'm not ready for people to see my insides... or like that dream i had wher my towel fell and everyone saw me naked. The whole being yourself thing is a luxury very few people can afford. And i'm not one of them. Well this is it. Tomoro will be the debut of me in a new environment, to people who could potentially be my friends or enemies. Wish me luck.