Phantasmagoria
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Well, i went to visit my granfather today in hospital. Cause he like had pneumonia but it kinda subsided and he's going for an operation tomoro to put a pacemaker in his heart. And one of my uncles said that he's not gonna be sedated. I dunno if thats true or not, but if it is, its horrible.
I've been meaning and wanting to do loads of stuff this long holiday. Paint my leftover canvas. Write songs. Start writing a book. Actually my goal was to finish a novel by the end of last year. But i only like wrote the first chapter. And that too without direction. I feel like such a slacker. Its like i always have the intention, but never the drive. So starting april 1st i will work to being more constructive. I will start writing my 1st book... although i cant think of a suitable title and 'Searching Outcast' is way too literal. I want something witty. Something that has a vague but powerful relation to the story. Basically it this atypical shapeshifter who was sent to live with mortals because his parents had broken laws with their marriage. And he goes on a journey to find them amidst a war that is threatening to happen. The bad thing is if i intend to sell this book, i'll have to read volumes and volumes of mythology. Cause he'll encounter lots of familiar stuff along the way... but i suppose i can make things up along the way as most writers have done. I want to finish this book by this time next year. Then edit and re-think some parts. Then hopefully i can find a publisher for it, or something. But that would cost money. darn. WHo am i kidding? I'm not some literary genious. I didnt even get an a1 in english for the o's. Haiz. But i WILL finish writing it, thats for sure.
OK, so school's gonna start pretty soon. I feel really anxious. Sy and yk wanna go for the optional overnight camp, in addition to the compulsory design sch orientation. I mean, i love camps, but i cant help but feel apprehensive about going. Besides the fact that people will see me with my undone hair, I'm scared that somehow, i'll let my guard down infront of people i dont know yet and some whom i'd want to be friends with or something. I'm sick of being a loser in pri sch and sec school. I'm not about to become one in poly. My intention was to be a stone fortress for the 1st month or so. Let people know of my presence but know nothing about me. I want to keep people guessing. Because i'm sick of having to always kiss up to someone or follow them. I want people to come to me. I know that sounds hugely egoistic but i've no choice. I know theres the whole be yourself blabber, but wat if yourself is not good enough. What if even you are unhappy with yourself. I'm not gonna be that naive, over-excited kid i used to be. I gotta play it cool. I've got to restrict and monitor my every move. To regulate the way people see me rather than let myself be at ease, being perky and social. I know i shouldnt care about what other people think, but i am a leo, an attention seeker. And if i need to be put in an iron cast for me to be liked by many, than so be it. I know my approach seems unconventional, cause well, the easiest way to make friends is be open and perky and whatnot. But see, if i do that, i'll be making myself too 'available'. Because you think someone is so into you, you wont think to always be there for that person or call that someone just to talk or say hi. It becomes that someones responsibility. And the novelty of that someone will wear off more quickly that cheap lipstick. You'll be bored with him/her. But he/she wont know. And maybe, neither will you. But it slowly becomes ever evident and then, nothing. So, all my hard work put in now will benefit in the future. Hopefully i'll be able to excercise self restraint. And unless i can get 3 really good reasons why i should go for the camp, i dont think i'll go.
Morbidity Exposed
9:40 PM
