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Bittersalty Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Well, louiza still hasnt call me. But i think she wont. She thinks i'm a joke. She must have like shown all her colleagues and they all must have laughed at my patheticness. So she's either uninterested, or most likely already attached... which is very possible considering how she looks. Haiz.

I'm feeling very torn apart... not because of this of course, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I mean like half of me wants to be like everybody else... to belong, to be accepted, to not be judged. Yet, the other half of me wants to stand out, wants to be bold and different, individualistic. And its like kind of difficult to come to a compromise. The first half is way more difficult to please. The two halves are always fighting, although ways i wish to stand out are different from those i wish to belong.

I am my most brutal critic. No one else knows how to bring me down as well as myself. Nobody else knows exactly what my weak points are. Others may make it hard for me, but only i can make myself feel completely outcasted, lonely and useless with no chance of redemption. Only i can make me feel like the most inferior being on earth. What bitchyness i show on the outside is only a taste of the storm inside. My whole life is punctuated with 'if only's. There's so many occasions where i'd like a do-over and a lot of others that even time cannot fix. I feel sore and broken... my self-esteem diminishes as soon as a little manages to creep into my head. Many may think i'm confident and outgoing, but thats the easiest front i can put up. The best defense is offense. Yet it is this outgoing-ness that makes my screen shaky and vunerable... like a piece of tissue waiting to be torn. What leaks out will not be pretty.

I'm taking on a compulsory project. To paint the biggest and most complicated piece of artwork ever. Its gonna take loads of hard work, lots of time and great perseverence. I dont know if i can have it done in time. I dont even know if it'll look good, cause if its not, i'm doomed.