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Bare Friday, January 20, 2006

Ok, so i havent written posts of this nature in a long time. I dont think i've ever written this much. I mean its impossible to always be happy rite? This is an extract from a little book i have, written a week or so ago. Here goes...

Sitting up late, its past midnight. Its been a cold few days. Mostly only outside. Its always only on the outside now. I rarely feel anymore. No hate. No fear. No sadness. No real joy. I used to be confused, all wrapped up in my feelings, but now I'm just numb. I feel so shallow. No layers anymore. Happy is happy. Angry is angry. Its been quite long since i've felt sad. The most recent time i've shed tears is only because of a movie. So maybe i'm not heartless, but i'm cold and empty. I'm more of a shell now than i've ever been before. I just keep laying on the paint coz thats what they wanna see isnt it? Joy and bright colours. Surface trivial matters. Its easier this way. You keep them happy and they dont ask questions.

Now as i reflect, i dont feel my problems. They just roll around in my skull. Aimless thoughts before i fall asleep. Even that is difficult sometimes. My dreams of late have been both weird and traumatic. They too have lost their meaning. All my desire of finding salvation has collapsed to a handful of thoughts. But still i keep hoping it happens. I keep hoping it either goes one way or the other. Hanging in between is so monotonous and frustrating. But i'm helpless. I can only watch and wait. Even the inevitable is shrouded.